It’s inevtiable in marriage that you’re going to have disagreements. One of the keys in marriage is finding out how to communicate through the issues so that you end up even closer to each other than when you began. Last weekend I talk about communication being a unifier in your relationship, and I wanted to give some practical tips to apply.

Benjamin Franklin once said: “There never was a good war or bad peace.”  So, if you’re going argue (which you will), you will want to be sure your motives and gestures advance the cause of peace and not escalate tensions.  This is especially true in marriage, where wisdom comes in the form of “don’t”s just as much as it comes in the form of “do”s.  To ensure win-win outcomes, you can “fight fair” by keeping these simple concepts on mind:

DON’T …
1.      … Compare
Embedded in comparisons is a blatant disrespect for who your spouse it.  Keep your comments centered on the two of you, and leave the proverbial “they” out of it.

2.      … Condemn
It’s so easy to fall into the negativity trap when a fight is underway.  Keep the gloves off, and remember to take a deep
breath instead of being critical.  Listen instead.
3.      … Command
Control maneuvers have sabotaged many an otherwise productive dialogue.  Be careful not to boss or parent your spouse.
4.      … Challenge
Threats and bullying will not get you where you want to go.  Every discussion, and certainly every fight needs to be bathed
in respect.
5.      … Condescend
Whether verbalized or implied, when you treat your spouse in a condescending way you’re giving the message that you’re
better than they are, or that they just don’t quite measure up. 
6.      … Contradict
In other words, don’t nit-pick the subject to death.  It isn’t necessary to argue to get to the bottom of something.  Ask
questions instead, and remember to do so with respect.
7.      … Confuse
Some would avoid accountability or conflict by manipulation.  It’s a covert maneuver to be on top and to make the spouse
look or feel inadequate.

In the end, remember: You can be right, or you can be married.  

Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.

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