Â I’m a big fan of Gary Chapman’s best selling book, “The Five Love Languages“. As I talked about this weekend, this book really helped Lori and I develop our communication in marriage. Early on, we just weren’t communicating love well, no matter how hard we tried.
Here’s a startling revelation: men and women are different.Â Our style of communicating is different too.Â What we mean when we speak or act may differ dramatically from one person to another; and how we hear or interpret what’s been said may be equally diverse.Â Too, the whole realm of non-verbal communication is limitless, so it’s no small wonder that signals get mixed, and feelings get trampled – often by accident.Â
Let’s get intentional about how we communicate our love to our spouse.Â Better yet, let’s get intentional about gaining an understanding of how our spouse receives love messages.Â In “The Five Love Languages”, we are told that all of us fall into one of five primary love languages.Â Maybe it’s time we took a crash course in a new dialect, sitting down with our spouse to find out which of these most resonates with them:Â
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Words of Affirmation
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Quality Time
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Receiving Gifts
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Acts of Service
Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Â Physical Touch
In any language we can agree with the poet Robert Frost:Â Â “Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.”Â Â Make sure the language you use clearly communicate to your spouse just how much you treasure them.
This has probably been my favorite marriage series we’ve ever done. I’ve enjoyed just hitting some main ideas and giving people food for thought as they leave. I really feel we’ve helped people connect with the living Word of Scripture, and we’re seeing marriages changed because of it. Here’s some thoughts from the past weekend…
- It was cool to have Danny Larsh leading worship this weekend. He did a great job, even with broken strings and his mic cutting out.
- Our new speakers sounded AWESOME, especially by the time we got the mic issues fixed in third service
- Ian did a great job on the sound board, adjusting to all the issues we were having with mics.
- Palm Valley’ers responded in a huge way by providing Thanksgiving dinner for nearly 1,000 families. Phoenix Rescue Mission told us they’ve never seen a chuch come through for them like you did this week. that’s why I love pastoring this group!
- Shopping to fill our food boxes made me hungry for turkey with the trimmings, bring on thanksgiving
- The vow renewal service next week is going to rock. I’ve heard so many stories from people about how special this is going to be to them!
- Mighty To Save is just one kickin’ worship song.
- Raiders keep losing, what’s up with that?
- ASU keeps winning, loving that!
- People keep coming to Christ every weekend, it doesn’t get any better!
It’s inevtiable in marriage that you’re going to have disagreements. One of the keys in marriage is finding out how to communicate through the issues so that you end up even closer to each other than when you began. Last weekend I talk about communication being a unifier in your relationship, and I wanted to give some practical tips to apply.
Benjamin Franklin once said: “There never was a good war or bad peace.”Â So, if you’re going argue (which you will), you will want to be sure your motives and gestures advance the cause of peace and not escalate tensions.Â This is especially true in marriage, where wisdom comes in the form of “don’t”s just as much as it comes in the form of “do”s.Â To ensure win-win outcomes, you can “fight fair” by keeping these simple concepts on mind:
1.Â Â Â Â Â … Compare
Embedded in comparisons is a blatant disrespect for who your spouse it.Â Keep your comments centered on the two of you,Â and leave the proverbial “they” out of it.
2.Â Â Â Â Â … Condemn
It’s so easy to fall into the negativity trap when a fight is underway.Â Keep the gloves off, and remember to take a deep
breath instead of being critical.Â Listen instead.
3.Â Â Â Â Â … Command
Control maneuvers have sabotaged many an otherwise productive dialogue.Â Be careful not to boss or parent your spouse.
4.Â Â Â Â Â … Challenge
Threats and bullying will not get you where you want to go.Â Every discussion, and certainly every fight needs to be bathed
5.Â Â Â Â Â … Condescend
Whether verbalized or implied, when you treat your spouse in a condescending way you’re giving the message that you’re
better than they are, or that they just don’t quite measure up.Â
6.Â Â Â Â Â … Contradict
In other words, don’t nit-pick the subject to death.Â It isn’t necessary to argue to get to the bottom of something.Â Ask
questions instead, and remember to do so with respect.
7.Â Â Â Â Â … Confuse
Some would avoid accountability or conflict by manipulation.Â It’s a covert maneuver to be on top and to make the spouse
look or feel inadequate.
In the end, remember: You can be right, or you can be married.Â Â
Proverbs 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.Â 2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouth of the fool gushes folly.
Today in services we showed one of the funniest videos of all time. Here’s some background…
Last year my dad moved his mother (my grandma) to Phoenix, and into a retirement community. It has been a great move for her, and she loves her new home. The management asked my dad to give a quote about the place for a newspaper ad, and he obliged. However, his quote didn’t come across well. Actually, it came across so badly that it ended up on the Jay Leno show. Enough said, prepare to laugh,
here’s the video of my dad on Jay Leno…
Okay, here’s the deal. As we continue the series “Your Best Marriage Ever”, I need your help preparing next week’s message, “Avoiding Common Pitfalls“. So here’s your chance to contribute to the development of a message, and to help me hit the issues that people are really dealing with.
Question: “What are the common pitfalls marriages face?”
I’m leaving it fairly open on purpose, so that I can get your raw thoughts. If you’d like to give input, email your answer(s) to my assistant, Kathleen Flanagan at email@example.com.
Thanks in advance for your help, andÂ make sure youÂ bring people with you next weekend!Â